I wish mothering
were instinctive.
In a perfect world
it probably is,
but we do not live
in a perfect world.
I play ball with my dog every night. I use two balls. While she chases
one, I throw the other one high into the air to practice my hand-to-eye
coordination. Over time I have become more and more intrigued with how
the autonomic reflex (the natural instinct) of the brain knows exactly
when to wrap the fingers around the ball as it hits the hand. How do the
brain and the hand know such things? Truly we are fearfully and wonderfully
made, are we not?
I wish mothering were an autonomic reflex. In a perfect world it
probably is somewhat instinctive, but we do not live in a perfect world.
Even great outfielders drop a perfectly fielded pop fly from time to time.
And so it is with mothering. In fact, most mothering is highly impacted
by the inevitable dropped balls and sometimes outright abuses of one or
both of our own parents.
My Mother's Mother's
Mothering
I have one very faded photograph of my mother's mother huddled next
to my grandfather. This is all I have of her. Sadly she spent the last
30 years of her life in St. Elizabeth's hospital, a hospital for the chronically
mentally ill in Washington D.C. Her name was Ruby and Ruby made a huge
impact in my life because she impacted my mother's life in very tragic
ways.
My Grandmother's
mothering
impacted my mother's
life
in very tragic ways.
My Mother's Mothering
To say that my own mom was seriously mentally ill seems like an under-
statement. Her behavior was very much like that of the character played
by Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. She was frighteningly abusive,
instigating terrible, violent fights with my father, locking her children
out of the house in the freezing cold in the dark of night, tyrannizing
us with vile and terrifying words, stalking her family, threatening to
murder us, threatening to get us and our husbands fired from our jobs,
harassing our employers, telling terrible lies about us to our friends
and anyone who would listen, calling non-stop at all hours of the night
to threaten and scream at us, sending the police out to tell us to hang
up our phones, trying to get our children taken away from us and threatening
to kill herself when she couldn't make us do what she wanted us to do.
This last threat carried with it the additional threat that she would leave
a suicide note blaming us for her death. My daughter's last memory of my
mother is standing behind me as she tried to pour a pot of boiling water
over her head. Her abuse did not stop with her family. Anyone who did not
tolerate her desperate demands and neediness became a target for her vile
vengeance. This awful list of her tyranny is long, yet there is another
list. When she was wonderful, she was really wonderful—magically wonderful.
She was a brilliant scholar with a master's degree in English literature,
often quoting Chaucer with a perfect Gaelic accent, Dante, William Shakespeare,
T. S. Eliot and many other great poets and writers by heart. She was a
poet and published author herself. She was a gifted story teller. And she
was a survivor. I remember her joyful laughter. She instilled in me a love
for reading, theater, classical and non-classical music, a fascination
for metaphor and the mystery and wonder of God even though she did not
become a Christian until the end of her life.
When my mother was
wonderful,
she was really wonderful
—magically wonderful.
My Mothering
To say that I was a seriously flawed, seriously self-centered mother
would definitely be an understatement. Coming from a seriously abusive
family, we were isolated from much interaction with other families. I had
no concept of what a good mother looked like much less how to be one because
I had never seen one. I did not physically abuse my children, but they
suffered deeply from being far less important to me than I was to myself.
I was not committed to my family, because I was more committed to pursuing
my own happiness. I did not even begin to get a glimpse of that until I
surrendered to Christ at the age of 35. Though I had been in church all
of my childhood years, being christened in the Episcopal church as an infant,
confirmed at the age of twelve, and water baptized in the Baptist church
at the age of nineteen, I had never really surrendered my life to Christ.
I was the only boss I wanted, though I was a poor one at that. My children
were almost grown when I gave my heart to the Lord. When I occasionally
bemoan these details to my children, they remind me that they still turned
out to be very fine adults.
My daughter
had no good role
model
for mothering.
My Daughter's Mothering
Historian Will Durant once wrote that he searched for happiness in
study and learning. But he discovered that knowledge alone did not bring
happiness. He tried travel and found only weariness. He tried wealth and
found only worry and discord. He sought to immerse himself in his writing
but found only fatigue. Then one day he noticed a woman sitting in a small
car clasping a sleeping child in her arms. He watched while a man got off
a train and came over and kissed the woman and the baby gently so as not
to waken him. As he saw the family drive away together, Durant suddenly
realized that what he had just seen was happiness. This is what my daughter
Wendy and her husband Brad have taught me over 23 enduring years of marriage.
Wendy had no good role model for mothering either, but I was a Christian
when she married, so God's redemption was already at work in her life and
her marriage through my prayers. The first thing that amazed me was Wendy
and Brad's commitment to their marriage. Both of them had come from multi-no-fault
divorced families. They made the decision to chose the high road, making
a commitment to a no-fault marriage and a no-fault family. In other words:
No divorce. No fault. No way. I'll never forget a time when their marriage
underwent a very severe test. I was so angry with my daughter that I'm
ashamed to say that I said, "I'd leave her Brad," to which Brad replied
to me, "I'll never leave Wendy—not now—not ever."
I don't mean to imply that Brad has been a perfect husband and Wendy
has been the only problem. I can also remember a time when I thought Wendy
ought to leave Brad. Her response to me was very much the same as Brad's
was. They married when he was 20 and she was 19. They both came into their
marriage with sorry family backgrounds. They have both made mistakes in
their marriage, but they have stuck them out and worked them through. Their
extraordinary commitment to their marriage was stronger than mine would
have been, which says more about me than I would really like to admit.
More importantly, their commitment to their marriage and their family was
and still is bigger than all of their problems. They are now old married
folks content with and quite fulfilled in their relationship with one another.
They are best friends. They like each other very much and are partners
in their marriage. They completely affirm that sticking together through
all the hard times was more than worth it. They don't even have to look
at their very fine children to know that. And I'm so grateful they paid
absolutely no attention to me.
Instead of a no-fault
divorce,
Wendy and Brad made
a commitment
to a no-fault marriage
and a no-fault family.
Now I'm going to brag for a moment or two. Wendy and Brad have raised
three children of excellent and enduring character. Bradley, twenty-one,
is a music major, finishing his second year of college this spring. He
plays a very mean jazz/blues/slide guitar in the performing arts band at
Rose State College in Oklahoma City and is a student coach for the women's
basketball team. Last year he was a student coach for the men's basketball
team. Even though he battles a serious sleep disorder called narcolepsy,
he diligently applies himself to excellence every day of his life.
Ryan, age sixteen, is a sophmore in high school. He has been Oklahoma
State Chess Champion ten times. In the summers of 2000 and 2001, Ryan won
an unprecedented two MVP awards at both sessions of O.U.'s summer basketball
camp. As a young freshman in 2001, he was the starting point guard on the
varsity team at Casady College Preparatory School in Oklahoma City. He
will be playing both junior varsity and varsity basketball at Norman High
this year. Barring unforeseen injuries, according to many college coaches,
Ryan is destined for a basketball scholarship to college in the Fall of
2005.
A boy will generally grow up to treat women the way his father treats
his mother. I can already see Brad rubbing off on Ryan. Recently he was
talking with his mother about girls. Actually one girl in particular. He
wanted to know how he could show her just how special she was to him. It
was refreshing. Wendy suggested that he make a picnic basket and take her
to the park. Ryan thought it was a great idea. What a great kid.
Most important of all to me is that both Bradley and Ryan get high
marks for integrity.
Both Bradley and
Ryan
get high marks for
integrity.
My Granddaughter's
Mothering
My granddaughter Lauren is an incredible artist, winning many awards
and prizes throughout her school years. She has always been a straight
A student. She and Brandon have a daughter, Jaden, who was born December
17, 2000. They are wonderfully devoted to each other and to their daughter.
Together they are, without even noticing, developing the same parenting
skills as Wendy and Brad, who made parenting look easy, even though I know
it isn't and wasn't. Jaden is a happy, well-adjusted little girl. Lauren
started college this Fall at Rose State College. Wendy and Brad will be
keeping Jaden while she works on her degree. Brandon plans to start college
part time in the Spring.
Lauren and Brandon
are also
people of integrity.
They are developing
the same
parenting skills
as Wendy and Brad,
who made parenting
look easy, even though I know
it isn't and wasn't.
We won't know for many years about Jaden's mothering, but I can testify
that she shows great promise already. When she was just 14 months old her
grandmother brought her to visit me. Instead of putting her in her portable
crib that first night, I just put her between me and a pillow and waited
for her to go to sleep. She rolled around a little bit then climbed up
and stretched out face down right on top of me. She put her head on my
chest and was almost asleep when she suddenly had a thought. An incredible
thought. She lifted her precious little head, looked me straight in the
eye and whispered in the most dulcet of tones, "Meemaw". She then gave
me a little peck right on my lips, put her head back down and went to sleep.
Life will never get any better than this for me. I could have died right
then in complete joy. I would say Jaden demonstrated a strong potential
for good mothering with that tender gesture. This sweet memory will nurture
me for the rest of my life.
So why am I telling you this story on Mother's Day? Well, even the
best mothers have regrets. So I want to unequivocally proclaim that God
is able to overcome all of our mothering and fathering failures.
The course of my life and the lives of my family have been revolutionized
forever by the sheer grace of God. Our lives have been set upon a new and
better path since I embraced Christ on February 12, 1976.
God is able to overcome
all
of our mothering
and fathering failures.
This is my story. The grace of God has overcome my mothering failures,
my mother's mothering failures and my grandmother's mothering failures.
In fact, as I was going over this message with my daughter on the phone,
she said she would be very upset with me if I did not tell you that it
is never too late for God to redeem your mothering. She made me promise
to tell you that as I have grown, I have become the mother she always wanted—that
my growth and change have made the past all but a faded memory. These are
her words, not mine. May you be encouraged by them. And may the Lord receive
all the glory, for as the old song goes, He has done great things—just
as He has promised.
Joel 2:25 promises that God will restore the years the locusts have
eaten. The redemption of Jesus Christ has restored the years the locust
ate in my life. He has transformed my life, my children's lives, my grandchildren's
lives, and now my great-granddaughter's life.
Psalm 40:2-5 ( NIV) says it so well. "He lifted me out of the slimy
pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm
place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our
God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord. Blessed is
the man who makes the Lord his trust . . . Many, O Lord my God, are the
wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount
to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare."
And He has done just that for me.
Jesus Christ has
restored the years
the locust ate in
my life.
He has transformed
my life,
my children's lives,
my grandchildren's
lives,
and now my great-granddaughter's
life.
Today I am still "mothering". There are so many women who need an
emotionally and spiritually maturer woman to come alongside them—to encourage
them, to share biblical truth with them, to love them, to laugh with them,
to cry with them, to wrestle with them through the problem areas in their
lives. I have been mentoring women for 25 years and it is one of the most
fulfilling things I do with my life.
Proverbs 31:10 asks the question, "Who can find a virtuous woman?
for her price is far above rubies."
Mothers are invaluable. Good mothering is more priceless than rubies.
Mothers are our first love. They impact us for good, for not so good and,
sometimes, though it is almost incomprehensible, they can impact us for
evil. The early months of an infant's life with mom in many ways shape
a child's destiny. A mother's nurturing has a lot to do with whether we
become loving, caring people or unloving, uncaring people. My own story
is a good illustration for the importance mothers play in our lives. Whether
we work or stay at home, God has equipped women to nurture . . . That is
if we have been nurtured ourselves.
Mothers are our first
love.
On a somewhat lighter note, Erma Bombeck, in her book "What Kids
Need from Mom", offers some practical tips for nurturing our children.
One. Train their hearts. Moms need to demonstrate that treating people
well—with kindness and courtesy—is just as important as succeeding in school
and sports.
Two. Boo less, cheer more. We all know that praise can do wonders
for people. Excessive criticism can result in an overly self-critical child
who fears to take the risks that lead to achievement.
Three. Talk "taboo." We live in a dangerous world where kids are
exposed to drugs, alcohol, and sex at ever-younger ages. Some mothers fear
that talking about such taboo activities sanctions them. The opposite is
true. A study of fifth- and seventh-graders in Southern California, for
instance, found that children who have honest discussions with their parents
are less likely to use drugs and alcohol and girls who are nurtured by
their fathers appropriately are less likely to be promiscuous.
Four. Let limits grow as children do. Children need to be loved without
qualification. Such unconditional love does not mean you set no limits:
setting boundaries demonstrates to a child how important he or she is to
you. When a child oversteps, show disappointment with the behavior, not
with the child.
Boo less and cheer
more.
Five. Show the way. Kids need a moral compass. That means instilling
a sense of right and wrong not only about big issues but also day-to-day
matters.
Six. Enjoy your children. With time short, moms often focus on what's
"important"—catching up on kids' news, helping with homework. Yet in our
tense society, children crave something more—a good time with Mom. Motherhood
is a big job, but it's not meant to be a burden. Sometimes you may need
to be a little less responsible—to let go of your demands on yourself and
have fun with your children.
I would like to add a few of my own tips to Erma's list of what children
need:
One. We often hear that children need quality time with us. It's
not just quality time our children need with us. It's time they need with
us—lots of time.
It's not just quality
time
our children need
with us.
It's time they need
with us—lots of time.
Two. It is not just what we say but how we say it that matters. And
it is not so much what we say but even more how we live that impacts our
children.
Three. Too many of us run our kids lives according to rules. I am
not against rules. Children need boundaries. What I mean to say is don't
be harsh, rigid, severe, legalistic or punitive in your boundary setting.
Let the law of grace and forgiveness be the supreme standard in your home.
Four. Time may seem to be going r-e-e-eal slow for you who have children
at home, but it seems like just yesterday that my daughter walked down
the aisle. Now she's a grandmother. Enjoy your children. If you have a
child who is a challenge to your mothering, there are so many resources
available today in our libraries and on the internet to help you learn
how relate to him or her. I found a wonderful site recently as I explored
what was out there on the net on the subject of challenging children.
The address is http://www.elainegibson.net/parenting.
Should you be interested you can click on the link. And there is
an excellent new book available on this subject entitled Transforming
the Difficult Child: The Nurtured Heart Approach by H. Glasser and
J. Easley. It focuses on "shifting the intense child to new patterns of
success and strengthening all children on the inside." This book gives
parents and teachers an absolutely clear understanding of how a challenging
child really responds to normal ways of parenting and why traditional methods
actually make the situation worse.
Time may seem to
be going
r-e-e-eal slow
for you who have
children at home,
but it seems like
just yesterday that
my daughter walked
down the aisle. Now she's a grandmother.
I'm very sad that I did not know how to enjoy or even be with my
children when they were young, but I have learned through my grandchildren
to be with all of my family in a joyful, supportive and fulfilling way
for all of us. We all love being together. And my great-granddaughter continues
to teach me how to play and laugh and have fun. I never knew how to do
that for myself much less with anyone else before the third and fourth
generations came along.
Five. God is able to redeem all of our failures and deficiencies
if we will only let Him work in us and in our children.
Six. I want to acknowledge here how very important fathers are as
well as mothers. Father's have a lot to do with shaping our autonomy, our
work ethic as well as our sense of acceptance and well-being. Certainly
a mother cannot nurture as well when a father is not loving and supportive
of her. I want to say that mothers' pretty much determine whether
we are capable of nurturing others, but then again I'm not altogether sure
that's 100% true either. My son-in-law, Brad, is the most nurturing father
I have ever known. Brad attributes this incredible gift to a doting grandfather,
who was apparently a very nurturing man himself. When he and Wendy married,
he was in his last year of college. I recall so many times when Wendy and
I would go out shopping together. As we left the house Brad would have
a sleeping baby on his chest and a book in his hands. When we got home
neither father nor baby had moved farther than the changing table or the
refrigerator. He was still sitting there with a baby on his chest and a
book in his hands. It wouldn't surprise me a bit if this is why Bradley
is so in love with reading. He had read all of the childhood classics by
the time he was ten. I remember that he and Wendy once had a rather intense
but joyful discussion about who would change the first diaper on their
first baby. Not who wouldn't change the diaper but who would get
to.
Brad takes each one of his children out to dinner and a movie frequently.
He coached both his sons and his daughter year round in basketball for
over fifteen years. He has not only impacted his own children by his commitment
to them; he has also fathered numerous other boys and girls over the years.
It is fun to watch his sons mirroring him as they play with and care for
Jaden, which is a strong indicator of what kind of fathers they will be.
Most important of all, Brad has been devoted to Wendy literally from the
moment he first set eyes on her, even though it was several years before
she seriously noticed him. But he courted her until he won her. To his
credit, he has been just as persistent at winning the hearts of his children
as he was at winning Wendy's heart. And he has succeeded. All of the children
still like hanging out with their dad. And he still likes hanging out with
them. I wouldn't be at all surprised in a few years if he isn't coaching
the next generation of basketball players in our family when Jaden is old
enough to bounce the ball. She likes hanging out with PawPaw too.
Things remain very much the same around Brad and Wendy's home. Brad
earned a Master's Degree Summa Cum Laude in Criminology a few years ago
and is just finishing up his doctoral work in the same subject. He still
has a baby on his chest and a book in his hand. As long as there are babies
around, I suspect when he is through with all of his studies, we will still
find him from time to time with a baby on his chest and a book in his hand.
With three children just reaching their adult years, I feel certain he
will be busy for a long time to come.
Major on the majors
and minor on the
minors.
Seven. Some of the best advice I ever heard about disciplining children
is "major on the majors and minor on the minors". Pick your battles carefully,
otherwise your children will develop a deaf ear to your voice.
Eight. Need I say that prayer is the number one all-time, all-important
thing? I have prayed for my family ever since becoming a Christian and
have definitely seen the answers to many of those prayers. As for the answers
for which I am still waiting, I pray that my prayers will continue to ring
in God's ear long after I am gone all the way down to the last generation
of my family and to the end of time when Christ returns.
Nine. Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 3:3, " . . . you are a letter of
Christ, cared for by us, written not with ink, but with the Spirit of the
living God, not on tablets of stone, but on tablets of human hearts." The
Bible your children will most frequently read is your life. You need to
read it, know it, believe it with all your heart. Even more important,
you need to live it. Children don't do as we say, they do as we do.
The Bible your children
will most frequently read is your life.
The Promise of God's
Transforming Power
So is there hope for you and your family if you weren't nurtured
by your mother? Is there hope for your children and grandchildren if they
weren't nurtured? Yes there is. This is why I have told you the story of
God's redemption in my own life and family.
Redemption is my favorite word in the Bible. Redemption begins the
moment we give Christ control of our lives, and like yeast in dough it
cannot help but supernaturally pervade every corner of our lives and the
lives of those we love and the lives of everyone we touch—even when we
live miles apart—are continents apart—even sometimes without saying a word.
Redemption is not something we can do in and of ourselves. Redemption is
the inevitable ever onward and upward result of Christ's presence residing
and at work within us.
Redemption is the
inevitable
ever onward and
upward result
of Christ's presence
residing
and at work within
us.
I will close with this final story. When the will of Henry J. Heinz,
the Heinz of the "57 Varieties" line of foods was read it was found to
contain the following confession:
"Looking forward to the time when my earthly career will end, I desire
to set forth at the very beginning of this will, as the most important
item in it, a confession of my faith in Jesus Christ as my Saviour. I also
desire to bear witness to the fact that throughout my life, in which there
were unusual joys and sorrows, I have been wonderfully sustained by my
faith in God through Jesus Christ. This legacy was left me by my consecrated
mother, a woman of strong faith, and to it I attribute any success I have
attained."
Ephesians 3:14-19 says this: "For this reason, I bow my knees before
the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name,
that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, [that you]
would be strengthened with power through His Spirit in [your] inner man;
so
that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being
rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints
what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love
of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the
fulness of God."
More than silver and more than gold, more than power, more than prestige
and more than great accomplishments, faith in Christ is the most important
legacy we have to pass on to others and especially to those nearest and
dearest to us. My prayer for you today is that Christ would dwell in your
hearts through an active and living faith in Him and if He doesn't already
dwell there, will you please let Him? Will you open up your heart to Him
and say, "Yes, Lord. Come on in. Let your redemption begin today in my
life and in the lives of my family." And will you begin to talk to Him
about yourself and your family? And will you be careful to look and listen
often for Him at work in your heart and your life? If He truly dwells there
His redemption will roll on like a mighty river through the rest of your
life and you will never be the same. Like measuring Jaden every month on
the wall in her room, your spiritual growth and change will be noticeable
to all.
1 Corinthians 13:4-13 says, "Love never gives up. Love cares more
for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love
doesn't strut. Love doesn't have a swelled head, Doesn't force itself on
others, Isn't always ‘me first,' Doesn't fly off the handle, Doesn't keep
score of the sins of others, Doesn't revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure
in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always
looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end."
It's a tall order,
and who more than
mothers
understands the
testing fires
of these words about
love?
It's a tall order, and who more than mothers understands the testing
fires of these words? Only the Lord God Himself passes this test with marks
of 100%. I know this is your sincerest desire though, dear mothers. Thank
you for your faithfulness at the world's toughest job.
"May the Lord bless and protect you [mothers]; may the Lord's face
radiate with joy because of you; may he be gracious to you, show you his
favor, and give you his peace" (Numbers 6:24) Amen.
